Boy seeks employment

Boy's been working on his resume, apparently.

Objective: To obtain a position working for new management, as the current management and I do not see eye to eye on a variety of issues (including but not limited to night scheduling and the frequency of snack breaks).

Qualifications: Eight months of on-the-job training. 

Skills: Ability to process multiple diapers a day. Ability to bang kitchen utensils on high chair tray while eating. Ability to stop strangers in their tracks to smile and chat with me. Ability to climb over various holding facilities improvised by current management. 

Advanced skills: Highly developed sense of the location of every lamp cord, phone jack, plastic bag, dead bug, pair of shoes and dust ball in any given room. 

Skills I wish to develop: Standing, walking, speaking. Current method of locomotion (belly crawling) effective but limiting. Current methods of communication (gurgling, cooing, laughing, crying, screaming) highly attention-getting but not consistently interpreted in the correct manner.

Pay requirements: Undivided attention a must. Meals on demand preferred, but will consider scheduled meals if frequency of meals is agreeable. Organic foods only (i.e., must be personally manufactured on-site by one of the members of management, as per my current situation).

Contact information: I can be reached in my crib in the upstairs bedroom. I am only there for limited amounts of time each evening and for short bursts of time at a stretch, so advance notice is appreciated. Please see my current management, who also act as my social secretaries, to book an appointment.

I appreciate your consideration.