Any given morning

[I open the nursery door and walk in. Boy is babbling in his crib.]

Me: Good morning, son! How's baby today?
Boy: Day! Da-da-da-day-DAY! Day.
Me: Really. Hm. Interesting. What do you want to do today?
Boy: Thhhhhhh. Ts-ts-ts. BAAAAH. Bay-ba-ba!
Me: Ok, you work on that. How about we start with a diaper change?
Boy: [Indifferent silence, as he's rediscovered how delicious his toes are.]

[Diaper change commences. A struggle ensues.]

Me: Son. Son. Can you lie still so mommy can get your diaper on?
Boy: [Makes a surprisingly quick-handed swipe for, and snags, one of various toiletry items stationed near his head. Apparently mommies and daddies never learn not to store the nasal aspirator/hairbrush/tube of diaper ointment so close by.]
Me: Um, can I have that back?
Boy: [Gums the taboo item gleefully while making happy faces around the thing lodged in his mouth.]
Me: Fine, but just till I get the diaper done, then I get it back.
Boy: Ghee. Gleh.

[Boy is scooped up and carted downstairs to his play area in the family room. Shoes off (to keep the carpet clean for creeping and crawling), we sit on the floor and survey our little kingdom.]

Me: Look, son! All your toys are saying 'good morning' and are ready to play with you!
Boy: [Makes a beeline for my flip-flops at the edge of the carpet.]
Me: No, no, honey. Shoes are not for eating. How about this? [I hold up an adorable monkey toy with rattling body and squeaky head.]
Boy: Uhn. MMMMMM. [Strains to be released. I place him back on the carpet in front of another toy.]
Me: Ok, how about this instead? Look, the purple elephant will tickle you with his nose. See?!
Boy: [Glances dispassionately at the elephant in question, and then looks at me as if I'm nuts.]
Me: Um, alright. Let's sit you up in your Boppy so you can practice sitting up like a big boy.
Boy: [Is placed upright in a firm horseshoe shaped pillow, and nestled just so. He sits up for four seconds, then spots the satin tag on the side of the pillow. Heedless for the safety of his adorable face, he makes a nosedive for the floor.]
Me: Whoopsie. Careful, big guy. Here, lay on the floor, then, so you can play with the tag.
Boy: [Immediately loses interest in the aforementioned, desperately-necessary-to-his-happiness tag.]
Me: Fine, sweetie. What do YOU want to do, then?
Boy: [Affects a faraway look. From below the belt, unmistakable sounds issue forth.]
Me: [Sigh]. I figured.